Mr. Kleats

PO Box 34

Kaleden, British Columbia,

V0H 1K0

May 25, 2011

Mr. Kleats
Soccer Coach
123 Main Street

Sportstown, British Columbia,

V2A 1W3

Dear Mr. Kleats :

My name is Chelsea Crawford and I am a concerned parent for my child, Sean, who plays on your soccer team. I am mindful to the fact that you are a busy man with many priorities and I appreciate your willingness to  run the school soccer team. However, I have a few concerns of how these practices are run. I would appreciate your acknowledgment towards the issues I have, and would like to thank you in advance for taking some time out of your day to read them.

While my son, Sean, enjoys playing as part of your soccer team with an ample amount of joy, he has expressed concerns that I feel should be resolved. I, myself, have attended many of your soccer practices and am mostly pleased with how they are run. Despite my gratification to your overall abilities with my child, I feel some organization in these practices is lacking, may I suggest a pre-planned agenda? I believe you would have a much easier time controlling the children with a structured practice, and would in turn refrain from hollering at them. Yes, I realize, Sean can be a hassle every now and again, but that does not give you, as a coach, the right to yell at him. Sean is a great soccer player, with recognition to the skills you have taught him, and should be granted an equal amount of playing time as the other children. As an intrigued audience member, it has been brought to my attention that some of the underdeveloped players are often sitting on the sidelines. I realize that winning is a confidence boost for all of the members on your team, however, having less experienced players on the bench, all the time, is a blatant disregard to the skill development of those who need it. All players should be allowed an equal amount of playing time. Punctuality is key in a successful team. When you are late, you demonstrate to the children that tardiness is accepted, and I know that is not your intention. As a parent, the observation of my child having fun is a beneficial on look to how I view your superb coaching skills.   

Your willingness in coaching my sons soccer team is immensely appreciated, and the skills you have to offer are phenomenal. Thank you again for taking time out of your overwhelming schedule to review my concerns. I look forward to reading your response.

Sincerely Yours,

Chelsea Crawford.

July. 1st, 2011

Don't Worry, It's Under Control.

     Bullying. It's not a problem at my school. Everyone here adores each other unconditionally, and would never do anything to distress or inflict suffering upon any of their peers. No. Bullying is not a problem at my school, everything is under control.

     Every morning a well-prepared and academically statured student will make his way down the corridor, encountering many people along his journey. A large student, of whom this nimble young man has not been introduced, will give him a firm and concrete shove as a "good morning" from one friend to another. The kind stranger then asks the intelligent lad if he would care to spend time with him after school, in the parking lot, with him and his friends. The young man graciously accepts and continues towards his lecture group.

     During lunch, this incredibly lucky being is discover by an even larger group of saps, again with no affiliation to him, and is given a welcoming fist to the abdomen, a gentle caress of the face, and a lovely new boot print on his back. Demonstrating his gratitude, the young man slowly rises to his feet, to show his tears of happiness and bloody nose of gratefulness. Feeling more accepted with the peers of my school, this young man leaves school, or life, forever, a blessed and delighted human being.

     Bullying is not a problem at my school, or schools anywhere, and should be disregarded as a problem. The recipients of a daily affectionate fist to the abdomen, face, or anywhere else, are thankful for the blatant disregard. Don't worry, it's under control.

Little Smirk

If heaven is a place where the angels go,

Well then I've got a story to tell,

If heaven is a place where the angels go,

Then I guess you're going straight to hell!

Don't wanna leave you now or never,
Cause we're perfect together,
Never wanna be apart,
Dared to take on the simple life.

There was trouble for us when I came home early,
Never would expect to see this,
It's fair to say I could not believe my eyes,
You cracked a smile but had nothing to say,
So I made a list of how you're going to pay!

[Chorus:]
I Locked you out,
Left you naked in the front yard,
Burned all of your clothes,
Having nothing can be really hard,
Now I'm on the run,
I'd do it all again,
So Catch me if you can,
Cause, I took your car,
With your baby in the back seat,
Wrecked your credit card, you're in debt to a deadbeat,
Baby now you know how much it hurts,
When I caught you in the act wearing nothing but a Little Smirk!

Now I feel better,
But its hard to forget,
I never think of looking back,
Cause time has no meaning when your free,
This is what you get,
Karma b*tch,
Now I see who you really are,
Cause happiness is the best revenge,
But caught red handed with a grin on your face,
Didn't think you'd be easy to replace!

[Chorus]

Again and again and again and again and e-yeah....If heaven is a place where the angels go,

Well then I've got a story to tell,

If heaven is a place where the angels go,

Then I know I'm going straight to hell!

[Chorus]

Wearing nothing but a Little Smirk!



    Theory Of A Deadman's album Scars And Souvenirs, released April 1st, 2008, depicts the artists true feelings towards life. "Little Smirk" is an anecdote about a man who "caught [his wife] in the act wearing nothing but a Little Smirk". Allusion, Cliche, Parallel Structure, Repetition, and Figurative Language are all used in this song.

Joe and Sue ... The "Happy" Couple



   

     "Joe will you please listen to me for once."

     "What do you want Sue? Can't you see that I am reading the sport's highlights?"

     "I just want a little bit of communication in our lives." Sue mentions as she averts her view from Joe.

     "And I just want to read the sports features, so I guess we are both at a bit of a disadvantage." Glaring at her soon to be late husband, Sue resists the urge to smack Joe and jerks the paper away from him.

     Calmly she explains, "I feel like we don't talk anymore and I think that if you don't have time for me I am moving in with my sister Jackie."

     "What? Sorry I wasn't listening, but guess what!! The Vancouver Canucks won the game last night!!"

     "That's great." Sue replies sarcastically.

     "Yes, you know, the game I couldn't watch because we went out for dinner???" Joe says while raising an eyebrow at his wife. "And we talked then did we not?" Again raising his eyebrow as if to ask her a question he already knew the answer to.

     Scowling at her husband, Sue, staying as calm as she can be, attempts to explain her reasoning behind wanting to talk more. "I did most of the talking last night and I thought it would be nice if I asked you how your day went, allow you to talk, vent, express any anger you may have built up from earlier hours."

    "The only thing that is making me at all frustrated is you Sue. You and your constant nagging."

    Yelling now Sue explodes, "Well I would have to nag if you talked to me once in a while, the way you did when we were dating, that's all I have wanted for a long time but clearly you are just to self absorbed to realize what is going on around you."

     Putting the paper down Joe looks at Sue "I want a divorce," and after a long pause Joe continues "I have the papers right here, consider this marriage over." He gets out of bed, slams the papers on the night stand beside Sue, and walks out. "I will be back for my stuff tomorrow," pausing again he turns around grasping the door frame in his left hand, "Try not to be here."

School of Bullies or School For Bullies?

         Princess Margaret Secondary School, a small high school embodied in a concealed town known as Penticton, British Columbia. This well used building beholds a prison like look, and has a capacity of roughly 700 adolescent teenagers. These juvenile delinquents are the epicenter of harassment. Although some cases of this bullying are minor, compared to others, the verbal outbursts heard protruding through the halls are still as vile as ever. 

    With the spike in levels of tormenting, walking through these shallow corridors can be considered equally pain-killing as running through a Roman gauntlet. Bullying is an everyday event in many teenagers lives, and in many cases, an unavoidable occurrence. Most cases of bullying are usually just a "Hey loser!" between friends, nothing too serious. High school bullying is mostly mental and verbal, but there are some physical cases as well. Thankfully the faculty staff at Princess Margaret Secondary School are quick when it comes to breaking apart a fight. 
     Bully, a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people. Bully, the cause of many peoples tears. Bullying is too common in schools and is taking over teenagers well-being. Stand up to bullying and help people stop these outbursts of torture.

Let Me In!!!

Dear People of the Big Building Full of Books,

First of all, you should know that I am a Princess, and my name is Chelsea, ergo Princess Chelsea. I rule all of humanity from here to Jupiter. Glitter is your friend. People often compare me to Oprah, not because I have my own talk show, although I should, and my people are working on that, but because of my fame, fortune, outstanding good looks, and of course my charming personality. *insert smile here*

I personally hold 39,998 of the 40,000 records in the Guinness World Record Book, and I am currently working on achieving the last two. I can lick my elbow. I discovered the law of physics, I taught Albert Einstein math,  I discovered fire,  I had brunch with Jesus, and I still had time to read to the blind. I eat yogurt with a fork. For my 16th birthday my mother bought me a red 2010 Camero, and for my 17th birthday she bought me the Sun. I plan on visiting soon, but at night, so its not so hot. Chuck Norris is afraid of me.

I wrote quite a few of Shakespeare's symphony's and I am well-know as Spiderman's best friend and unnamed sidekick, although I do all of the work. "Why am I unnamed?" you may ask. Well my friend Spidey promised me that he would keep this a secret because of the publicity problems I already encounter on a daily basis. That is why he takes all of the credit for my multiple rescues.

All together I have completed over 39,000 records, saved millions of lives, read to the blind, and help some of the most historical people get to where they are today. I have a time traveling machine and I am a Princess. You would be lucky to have me as a student in your facility, and if you don't accept this I will tear your building down and build a new mall, only allowing me, Princess Chelsea, inside.

Thank You,
Sincerely,
Princess Chelsea, ruler of all.

Ninja's Attack Maggie Students.

April 9th, 2011 at Princess Margret Secondary School a riot breaks out, cops are sprawled out for blocks, and one survivor remains in the debris. Her reflection shines off a piece of glass, my face prominently distorted with fear.  I, being the only survivor, was forced to recall the entire attack, relive specific events, and imagine the terrifying faces of those who ambushed my school. This horrific day started out like any other, an early morning. Arriving at school, precisely 7:32am, I tiredly sauntered to my locker, number 147, turned my lock 25 right, 13 left, and 5 right. Unlatching the rusted lock, the metal door screeches open and the once bright fluorescent lights above me peer in, I look down the never ending hallway and think to myself, as I do every morning, "why am I here so early?". Coming out of my subjective thought I can see a dark figure appearing more and more with each step. Becoming concerned as he presents himself to the surface of my view I acknowledge him. "Good Morning" I say, hopeful that the dark creature shows his true identity with a response, a voice. Nothing. No response. "Are you new?" I question him, still pleading for a response, but still, nothing. The dark figure of the masked man then turns the corner and proceeds down the hallway now blending in with my arriving peers. I soon found myself grasping the cold plastic covering of my English binder, and as I do that I hear a blatant ruckus, such a surprising blunder made me dropped my book and papers flew everywhere. Being the curious student I am I went to look at what made the noise, as I peaked around the corner I found myself eye to eye with a black shadow, it was the masked man. The extraordinarily loud noise was back again and now sounds like it may possibly be closer to me then it was before. With the floor beneath my feet shaking, I try to keep my balance, and question what might have possibly happened. Just then the dark figured man began to giggle, over time this became a hysterical laugh. Afraid as to the mental stability of this man I ran away, out the aged wooden doors with rusty metal handles, across the patch of yellow brown grass, and into the parking lot. Turning around I hear three more explosions, and with the last uproar my once beloved school collapsed. "How am I expected to graduate without a school building?". "How will I explain this to my peers families?". A flood of questions rushed through my mind like a freshly cracked dam and as I stand there, looking in the direction of where the never ending hallway should be, I think to myself, "why was I here so early?". That is when I awoken from my dream and found myself in Mr.VanCamps English 12 class, not only was I missing a lecture, but, I was snoring also.